We are in a moment of collective shift, and change. With everything that has happened in our personal lives, in our families, in our work and schools and in the world, we’ve all had to make major adjustments. We’ve had to face some fears and hard truths. Either directly because of the pandemic, or because the effects of the pandemic brought this to the surface, many of us have taken this time to examine how we live, where we live, how we spend our money, how we consume, how we spend our time, who we spend our time with. This is a time of change. Like it or not, it’s happening. And no, not everyone is going to go out and do something new, move to a new place, change jobs, leave the city for life in a more remote setting. But I bet there are many people who are. Because there is so much on the horizon that we still don’t know. And many people may decide, you know, now is the time to do this, to find a job that makes me happy, to move somewhere new and make a fresh start, to change things up, because we are reaching a point where the desire to try something new, and hope it’ll be better, outweighs the fear of letting go of the comfort and safety of what we’ve known for so long.
For me, not being able to go out and do my photography work has been very hard, for many reasons, but most importantly, it’s how I support my family, it’s my job, it’s the business I’ve built for over 10 years. When I started, I was working a corporate job, and I would do my photography on the weekends and every day after working from 9-5 I would come home and work, work, work, work, work to build this business and this life as a photographer. So that when people thought of me, they’d think “That’s Shannon, she’s married, has two kids and she’s a photographer.” It wasn’t just a job I did, it became a core part of who I am. And I’m very proud of the work that I have done.
But what do you do when a core part of you changes? Because in March, it just went away. I couldn’t work. It was very scary. I lost income, I couldn’t plan ahead for work that I would typically depend on. And the scary part of having your own business and being your own boss and being an entrepreneur is that if the work goes away, that’s it. You have to figure out something else. Many small businesses don’t have a cushion, so the fragility of job security during this time has been very apparent.
So, when my work went away and got put on hold, I quickly had to change course. I was on a sailboat in the middle of the ocean and there was no wind, so I had to build some oars. I had to figure out something else. And I quickly turned to painting, and made even more time for it in my days and weeks at home, because it was something that brought me joy. It’s something that when I went through my miscarriage two years ago, I didn’t go to therapy. I probably should have and maybe I will go in the future, I think therapy is great and everyone who can should go to therapy. But I was very open about my experience, and I wanted to share that experience, and how I felt, and the different aspect of grief and the grief journey.
And I didn’t quite know the best way for me to do that, in a way that honored my loss and my experience, and help people understand the lasting and lifelong ups and downs that follows losing a baby. For a while I thought that I would write a book, and that’s not off the table. But I wanted to find some way to process and express what I went through. And everyone has different ways to deal with things in life, whether it’s loss or hardship or depression or coping mechanisms. Some people listen to music, some people journal or go to therapy, some people meditate. And for me, I really found that fulfillment, that support that I needed, in painting. Through the process of painting, I can fully embrace who I am in the moment. It doesn’t have to be good. I don’t have to paint for anyone but myself. And in that way, painting became an important part of the healing process for me.
And then back in the winter when my grandmother was sick, and when she passed at the end of March, it became even more important. Because I started recognizing in myself how I felt when I painted, and when I took the time to create just for me. And I listened to myself, and started trusting myself, and that feeling, that voice telling me, “You should do this more, you should do this, this is something that’s good for you, this is something you enjoy. It’s something that you’re good at, and it’s putting something beautiful into the world.”
Anytime you create something, you are making the world better in a very special way. You are sharing a part of yourself, whether you’re the only person who sees it or if millions of people see it, it doesn’t matter, it is beautiful because it was not there before, and now it is, because of you.
So, the creative process of painting, for me, became my “I Want” song of, I know this thing is here. I know I have the desire to paint. I know it’s part of me. I know that I’m good at it and enjoy it. I was really scared to put it out there into the world that this was something I was doing, because for so long, the core part of me that people recognized was being a photographer. And what I really wanted was to proclaim to the world that I’m an artist.
And that was a scary thing. That was stepping out of my comfort zone to proclaim and put it out there that I’m an artist. Yes, I’m a photographer, but look at this other stuff I am creating, that I love, that is a reflection of who I am and an expression of my experiences. And maybe it’s something I can do with my life, that other people might connect with and enjoy. And if not, that’s fine, too.
The more I started listening to myself, and allowing myself to explore this side of my creativity, not to get dramatic, but the world started opening up to me. I felt more like myself, comfortable in my own body, and comfortable in my own mind and comfortable in my own heart to express myself in a way that I hadn’t really known how to before, despite being a very open person when it comes to sharing my journey as a creative person, and as a woman and a mother. I stopped feeling the need to try to fit into anyone else’s idea of who I am or who I should be. It was like coming home to myself, returning to who I knew I was as a child, and realizing I have everything I need, and am worthy of a happy, beautiful life.
So I want to ask you…do you have an “I Want” song? Do you have a desire in your heart, a yearning, a gut feeling, something that you just can’t ignore…something that you want to do, that you want to explore…trust it. Trust your intuition, trust your brain, trust your heart, trust your guts.
You never know where it might lead you. And it’s scary! Think about these princesses - they’re in their comfort zones, they’re in their castle on their island, surrounded by familiarity, surrounded by family and a feeling of safety. And often times, when you are feeling this pull towards something, it might mean having to leave your comfort zone, even just a little bit, and to see yourself in a new way. It might mean having hard conversations, or finding the courage to speak up and proclaim your desire into the universe. You could be standing alone in the middle of a forest and just say it, to the trees and the air and the squirrels and the leaves, but words are powerful, and when you speak your intention out loud, it will change you.
Maybe this is what they mean when they say “speak your truth” - it’s already inside you, it’s already there…it’s already a part of you. But will you listen, and accept, and give it life, by breathing it into existence, out of your body, and into the world.
Sit with this, even for a few minutes today. Allow yourself to dream, to let your mind wander. Allow that pull on your heart to lead your body and your mind to a new place, a new perspective.
And I am going on the record here to say I am not talking about major life changes, like leaving your job, or moving your family across the country, but for some people, that might be it. But it could also be small incremental change in your life. Prioritizing yourself and the things you love. Finding a balance within your home and relationships where you feel peaceful in how you choose to spend your days. Learning to listen and trust your intuition if you feel like your brain is always holding you back from things that feel a bit wild and uncertain.
This life is not scripted. It’s not a movie with a predictable plot. It’s not linear. There are twists and turns, pandemics and losses, thrilling adventures and the comfort of returning home. We do not have to exist in a state of chaos. And we do not have to exist only within our comfort zones. There’s a quote, I’m not sure who said it, but it goes “A ship is safe in it’s harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.”
We are not trees. We do not need to stay rooted exactly in one place for our entire lives. And I think if anything, we’ve learned in the past few months to be flexible, and to be resourceful, and not to get sappy or sad or anything, but life is short, right? We have this one life, and what we choose to do with it might determine, plain and simple, if we enjoy our lives. We want to be happy. We want to feel fulfilled. We want to feel loved.
So instead of feeling held back by familial obligation, or anyone else’s idea of what your life should be, or your own hangups, because we all have these hangups. We all have things we get stuck on.
What if you just go for it. What if you slowly start giving yourself the time and space to do something new. What if you allow yourself to play a little more? What if you take the time to dream and then start acting on that dream? What do the first steps look like? What if the first step is listening to your own intuition, and learning to trust yourself, that you have what you want and need within you?
A lot of this has to do with trust. In life, there are risks, and we weigh the possible positives and negatives that might happen when we take a risk. But here’s the kicker. Even if the thing you want and desire and explore and feel pulled to doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure. There’s always a lesson to learn. Always a silver lining. Always a takeaway that you can use to determine your next steps. Use your experiences as stepping stones, each one bringing you higher, further, to a greater understanding and sense of purpose.
I’ve been through some incredibly hard, difficult, devastating things in my life, that I can look at and see the glimmers of light within the darkness. So when you are going to take a risk, or try something new, and you find that fear is holding you back, ask yourself this - what is the worst thing that could happen? What’s the worst possible outcome if I do this. And dig deep. Get to the core of the fear.
When I decided to start painting and proclaim to the world that I’m an artist, I confronted a lot of fears.
Who am I to call myself an artist? What if no one really believes I’m an artist, that I’m just some imposter? What if no one likes my work? What if I can’t sell my work and my family doesn’t have money to pay rent and buy food? What if no one takes me seriously? What if, what if, what if…
And what I found was that my fear was tied to a projection of how I thought people would think of me. It was all about perception. And not about the actual painting and creation of art.
So I just started making art, knowing how it made me feel. And I learned and grew to know that it doesn’t freaking matter what anyone thinks of me. I don’t have time in this life to stay small and safe. I have big ideas. I have ideas pouring out my body these days. Who am I to bottle that up and keep it on a shelf for safe keeping?
Because I’m 37? Because I’m a mom? Because I’ve done things a certain way for a long time and now, like Ross in the stairwell holding up a sofa, I’m screaming PIVOT!
So, if you’re finding yourself in a place where you’re also screaming PIVOT, or feeling a pull, or needing a change, I hope you will give yourself the time and space to explore it. Whether it’s a necessary change due to circumstances that may or may not be within your control, or a simple yearning to try something new, I hope you give it a try. Sing that song in your heart, into life. Fear be damned, give it a try. Because one way or another, even if it’s hard, even if it’s scary, even if it doesn’t go the way you expect, it will be worth it. And you are worth it. This beautiful life is worth it.
Thank you so much for listening to this week’s episode. I am grateful for you, and hope you have a wonderful week!
